| Day 3 in my backwards fairytale |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|03:56 pm] |
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So anyone who knows me... Know's I need sleep to stay sane. I'm not getting it at all. last night I took 2 ambiens and what do u know... Didn't work. I didn't get to sleep last night till about 6:30 and woke up at 10, still ultra tired. I don't know what the problem is. My tummy hurts. I'm having thoughts about someone whom I miss SO MUCh. Insomina is THE WORST side effect i've ever had from anything i've ever done. it kinda feels like the withdrawels I used to get when I took ecsasy Years ago. Now on top of everything Last night I don't know why, but I decided I didn't like my hair, So i cut a huge chuck into it. I am a hairdresser, but still. I WOULD NEVER HAVE TOUCHED MY HAIR LIKE THAT if I wasn't medicated. I'm so scared because Britney Spears did the same thing, and look what happened with her, that long winding road of shit. Although I know for a fact I have the same thing as Mariah Carey, because it just makes sense. I don't really take drugs anymore like I used to, I'm a good person, I just don't know why I deserve to have a fucking Chemical Imbalance that is impairing me this much. I feel mentally ill. As soon as I cut my hair I said to myself...... Your mentally ill Steve. I want some clarity. I want some sanity. I want my life back. Depression is a slow and slippery road, and the scariest part is that you have no idea what is really wrong with you.
Are pills the answer?
Therapy?
Both?
maybe some people are better off dead then being a science expiriment for them to get the write combination of drugs. But what if you don't have the money. What if you just can't make yourself do stuff physically because your so mentally fucked up. This all comes from being abandoned.
I feel like abandoning myself.
When will this spell break?
This curse.
I Feel like snow white after she ate the apple. Nothing could wake her but a fortunate accident.
I need my fortunate accident.
I'm through waiting for the prince, he doesn't exsist.
So many wishes
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| Medication Of Nightmares |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|04:36 am] |
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Day two of Medication. Last night I took an ambien because I couldnt sleep, I woke up 1.5 hours later. Took 3 more amibiens... stayed awake for a couple more hours, and last time I looked at the clock it said 630, so I guess i fell asleep a little after, but only till 715 for when my alarm was set for. Sluggish and aggravated in the morning. Took a cymbalta, and almost imedietly I felt different.. Way different. I pepped up, a lil shakey scared but peped up. All day i was like on crack.
I swear its 4:43 the next am and I just got sleepy and thats only because i took 2 ambiens and smoked some weed. These pill are really making me wired beyond anything. I don't know if maybe caffeinne could stimulate the drugs but i only had the SMALLEST bit of coffee today, about 1/4 cup. I'm so retarded from being so crazy. I think i havta tell the doctor. My speech was even ultra fast, it was like i was a robot. Bad memories where coming in, and being like SHOT down with some internal force. I feel wierd and i dunno if it's good or bad.
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| Dearest Journal |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|03:50 pm] |
So officially today I went to the doctor. I told him about all my problems, and at 3:29 Friday March 23rd. I started taking 30mg of Cymbalta a day. I hoep it helps. i'm totally tired of having my emotions and thoughts out of my hands. It's so frustrating when you wanna help yourself, but honestly can't do it alone. I'm a huge doubter in Anti-depressant medication only because it's so overused. As I said before though, some people Phyisically need it. Maybe i'm one of them. The chronicalization has began. So we shall c if three weeks will Improve me. If I pair it with Excersise and even hanging upside down. lol That silly Rosie. tata
Love Steve |
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| Transylvanian Concubine |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|05:01 am] |
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I don't even know where to begin with the day.
Hopefully clarity ensues from all the emptiness i've felt lately.
My words, my art, and my mind are in an extraordinarily perpetual day trip.
It loops over and over again and I've looped so far around on the circle that i've crossed back into sanity twice now.
I havta keep remembering.
" I go round & round just like a circle. I can see a clearer picture. When I touch the ground I come full circle to my place, and I am home"
Let's just remember that. Although I wonder if on top of all my problems I have schitzephrnea to go along with it, cause all i've been seeing lately are circles.
Wierd huh.
This is my chronicalization of a 21 year old, depressed, waiting on the world to change.
One day prior to Dr. medicine day.
Hopefully it's understood that my mind is out of my control, and I need help keeping it in line.
Lets see what poisoness pills he gives me tomorrow.
Let's see if once someone will let me do something to improve myself.
Let's see if the world melts away. Like a ballon how far will I havta drift away before someone realizes i'm up too high to ever reach again?
I just hope I don't crash and burn.
I need money
I need tattoos
I need to be bleach blonde.
I need a fohawk
I need to be a rockstar again.
I need my sanity.
<3 Stephen |
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| How to get him back? |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|05:59 pm] |
Yea so It's been a really long time since I updated this.
It's a little wierd how you don't need a creative outlet when your happy.
OR....... to be more exact..... When you THINK your happy.
I was so close this time, so close to finding the one.
He left though, he abandoned me and left me all alone in my nutty mindset.
"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got" < apparently he never realized that.
I'm sure he feels free from my pain, free from everything I ever did for him.
Free from my pain, free from my gifts, free from me.
I lost my best friend, my boyfriend, my teamate... all in one wretched day.
Then I freaked out and he didn't even care.
At least after Michael he made up for it, he knew how hurt I was in the end, and he ultimitlly said "it didn't work with us, but your not an aweful person" and That was all I needed.
Instead the person whom I shared everything with for 8 months vanished, almost into another life. Simply because everyone wants him to be something he is not, I never tried to make him anything.
Then I come to find that the reason no guys ever want to date me is not because I don't look right, not because my personality sucks, but because I'm branded an emotional psycho freak in the gay community, and no one wants to deal with that.
No body knows me though.
I'm so much more then "that psycho boyfriend"
I'm so lost now it's not even funny.
I just don't know how anybody makes it through times like this.
I'm broken, beaten, branded, and belly up floating.
A shell of what I once was.
Empty
How do I get him back?
Steve |
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| A DEaTH WisH to Britney FUCKIN SpeaRs |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|05:35 pm] |
so yea, someone on my livejournal freinds list wrote how Britneys new song "made them want to punsih there face with crack". I havta say after being a fan, for some of my life that now i realize how much she really does FUCKING SUCK. She's not pretty, her husbands not cute, her baby probabley looks like a monkey, any bit of fashion sense she has ever made (which has been few) has been pieced together by a stylist who is fucking color blind. Her hair always looks like theres cum dried into it, and to top it all off, her singing sounds like it was recorded in a very very noisy bumpy train while she was being thrown back and forth into walls. Not to mention the commercial for her new fragrance, which I havta admit I like the smell of, but the commercial makes Kevin Fedderline look like the BIGGEST FAG I have ever seeeeeeeeeen. A fucking forest nimph. Come on, Britney, At least try to avoid critisism from almost everyone. I hope someone pushes you down a well and you loose your hearing from water shock. Then maybe you'll SHUT THE FUCK UP, and use your hands to do the singing, like those people in church who "sighn" the music to the church goers who can hear perfectly well. Its about as much use as you will ever be, Britney Fucking Cum Guzzling whorey ugly Spears white trash CHAPPED CUNT Fedderline.
FUCKING RIGHT |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|08:20 am] |
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I know it hasn't been that long, and i feel like a fool saying it........but i really like him, and i hope he likes me, and i hope it works out between us. Its so hard to find nice guys anymore, and i think i may have. I've never been with a guy who was this different, maybe thats what makes it so worth while. i'll just wait. impatient me |
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| Everybodys fool |
[Aug. 25th, 2005|11:33 pm] |
I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you
You never gave a damn
About all of those things I did to please you
All that you wanted, you found somewhere else
And nothing could drag you away from yourself
Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me
Lucky I’ve been through hell
Back roads and shortcuts, I know them well
Baby just stick with me
We’ll make it together, just wait and see
Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me
the walls they close in
the air it goes out
you left with nothing
but a shadow of a doubt
nobody talks,
no one is here
it’s just you and me
Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything
I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2005|02:10 pm] |
See the stone set in your eyes... See the thorn twist in your side... and I wait without you...---
I fucking hate U2
and i've decided it might be time to make that cruise ship expedition by working on one, save up enough money for 6 months on the cruise ship to get the fuck out of Pennsylvania, move to paris, and never look back for anyone. Theres just disaster and ruins left in pa from me, maybe i can start over in Europe. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|06:58 pm] |
i'm drunk, because i'm lonely
even when surrounded by many i feel that way most days.
he's gone
i'm not strong
and i'm about to watch beaches with my bottle of tequilla and cry.
good day to you sirs |
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| alone world |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|01:34 am] |
The world will always keep spinning around the universe with all its peoples and lives.
Each continent will inevitably grow, people will die, peopel will live.
Every winter christmas will come everyone will get there presents and be with loved ones.
The cup of coffe on the windowsill would still get ice cold if you leave it there in a snow storm.
MIss america will win her crown.
All of nature will grow, and bloom, and die, and regown, even if your not there to witness it.
Babies will scream for milk at 3 in the morning and new mothers will cringe at the thought of getting up that early in the morning.
The court will find one prisoner not guilty who actually deserves it.
Cinderella will still be read to little girls from there grandmothers, when your not around.
Everythign above^ and below will always ALWAYS happen, inevitably, even without you.
Peopel will get sick
people will live
cows will moo
winter will be snowy
bridges will still be creepy to drive over
the sun w ill rise
the sun will set
stars will emerge
peopel will make wishes.
and liek i said "this stuff will always happen, if your not there.
what i'm tryign to convey is that if you wern't there, even with everything working, and growing, and spinning, and moving, and living, and dieing, and grouping, and running, and winning, and falling, and wishing...........................
i would die. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2005|11:59 pm] |
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Secrets burn, and twist, and ache,and writhe, and make me twist in agony, especially when i keep them hidden inside myself from............... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|01:38 pm] |
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Yup today is the day im a FULL FLEDGED COSMOTOLOGIST (withotu licensure eyt) lol but ina few months were cool. I finished school today, 1250 hours, DONE, thank the lord. Come get yoru hair done, lets celebrate! |
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| NATASHA BEDINGFIELD ROCKS |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|11:34 pm] |
Feel The Rain On Your Skin
No One Else Can Feel It For You
Only You Can Let It In
No One Else,
No One Else
Can Speak The Words On Your...Lips
Drench Yourself In Words Unspoken
Live Your Life With Arms Wide Open
Today Is Where Your Book Begins
Dl Unwritten By her its SO FUCKIN GOOD |
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| Deathly Love |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|10:48 pm] |
Deeply changed and lost inside
The smokey eyes inside me cried
To know that you have gone away
To know that hearts can bend and sway
An ashen flame a poem lost
And was true love its only cost
To see that image turn around
To feel your whisper on the ground
And when the kiss it came and went
Where you the one who satan sent?
To tempt me so and leave me here
To freeze me with your frigid leer
A trickle running down my face
With tears of pity, tears of grace
And yet alone inside my head
Is an empty feeling that "we" are dead
With one bad move, one bad choice
The embers spurt throughout your voice
Secret from you in my brain
To shelter me from burning rain
Of 3 words lost when it wasnt time
I gave you fuel, now give me mine
With dreams of lovely, wild and pure
With your smile comes an open door
The only step left, for which I pray
Is for our souls to join oneday.
As for now I sit content
Waiting tor the prayer i sent
to be answered from high above
This is Deathly, this is love. |
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| Twisted Visions |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|09:32 pm] |
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I Wish him as much pain as he inflicted on me. I wish him agony and hurt like when my heart exploded out of my chest, or when the blood was running down my hands, and I could feel the warmness on my fingertips. I wish destruction on his household. I wish to make him dance in my pressence in a pair of heated iron boots. I wish to kill him with a poison apple. I wish no one would kiss him and wake him up. I wish fear on him. I wish misery on him. I wish an everpresent storm on him. I wish torment and pain on him. I wish a life of self loathing. I wish for the sky to crumble down around him. I wish for his freinds to disown him. I wish for his family to loathe him. I wish for his insides to wretch. I wish him to develop anxiety and never be able to come into contact with others without going crazy. I wish the same "kindness" that he showed me to come back to him. I wish karma to take affect. I wish him to change into something dark. I wish life to drain from his vision, so only pain he sees. I wish panic to overcome him. I wish he never found love. I wish he never found love. I wish he never found love. I wish he never found love. I wish he never found love. ABOVE ALL I wish he never found love. I wish he only found his reflexion. I wish the world would swallow him. I wish the clock hit 12 and he turned into a ghost. I wish him anger for knowing i'm so stuck on wanting him hurt as much as he hurt me. I wish him LONELINESS ABOVE ALL. I wish to love again. I wish to find myself. I wish to move on. I wish to forgive. I wish to forget. I wish to forget. I wish to forget. I wish to forget. I wish to forget HIM! I wish for inner peace. I wish for freedom. i wish for inner beauty. I wish for life back. I wish for patience. I wish to run away from anythign bad. i wish to live Happily Ever After. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|03:10 am] |
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Why does the thought of anyones "dirty little secrets" send chivers up my spine? |
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| Halfway there |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|05:42 pm] |
I sometimes talk, but no one hears
I blast my thoughts, my dreams, my fears
And yet its never known at all
I'm half way there, after my fall.
I clawed my way back up to you
To show you what you always knew
And yet YOU never know at all
I'm still halfway cured, after that fall.
Grace wasn't meant to hold me in
The battle I wasnt meant to win
And yet I could not see at all
I'm halfway froze after my fall.
Secrets left inside my mind
You could always sieve and find
And yet you could not see at all
I was only halfway there after my fall
Dreams they snapped, precussion scorned
Tears were the jewelry, my eyes adorned
And yet you could not feel at all
You keep me halfway there, after my fall.
By: Steve |
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| chapter 16 |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|06:07 pm] |
16. Moisturizers are applied at the end of the facial and are ideal for daily use as a day cream or makeup
17. A MASK is usually a setting product, which means that it dries after application and provides a complete closure to the environment.
18. PARAFFIN WAX MASKS are melted at a little more then body temperature before application.
19. CLAY MASKS are ready to use.
20. Massage is not recommended PRIOR to or after modelage mask application.
21. Sulfur masks REDUCE THE PRODUCTION OF SEBUM.
22. GAUZE can be used to hold in place certain ingredients that tend to run, such as sliced or crushed fruit or vegetables.
23. AMPULES are small, sealed glass vials containing a single-application of highly concentrated extract in a water or oil base
24. A client record car should include any contradictions – a pacemaker, metal implants pregnancy, diabetes, epilepsy, allergies, high blood pressure – that call for alternative methods of treatment.
25. EFFLEURAGE is a light, continuous stroking movement applied with the fingers (phalanges).
26. The direction or movement is always from the INSERTION OF THE MUSCLES TOWARD ITS ORIGINS.
27.
28. Do Not massage a client who has high blood pressure, a heart condition, or has had a stroke, because MASSAGE INCREASES CIRCULATION.
29. Never massage BELOW THE KNEES (shins).
30. FRICTION is a deep rubbing movement in which you apply pressure on the skin with your fingers or palm while moving it over an underlying structure.
31. To properly give a massage ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY is needed.
32. Firm kneading massage usually produces DEEP stimulation.
33. Tapotement or percussion consists of short, quick TAPPING, slapping, and hacking movements.
34. Wringing is an example of FRICTION.
35. Every muscle has a MOTOR POINT which is a point on the skin over the muscle where pressure or stimulation will cause contraction of the muscle.
36. Manipulating proper motor point RELAXES the client.
37. Weekly massage equips you with NORMAL SKIM.
38. Fulling is performed mainly on THE ARMS.
39. Hacking and slapping movements are used only to massage the BACK, SHOULDERS, and ARMS.
40. Tapotement or percussion type massage is the MOST STIMULATING. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|12:23 am] |
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The journey started out great, me, my freinds kevin, jenn, audra, and ashley decided to take a day off and go to DORNEY PARK. It shoudl have been great (foreshadowing. Anyhows the day started great we filled up on gas were on teh road by 11 and were so in thd mood for a waterpark, we were almost there, ALMOST THERE, like 10 more minutes, and guess what. THE FUCKING CAR OVERHEATED. SO SO ANGRY at that point, we all ghet out with no clue what to do, NONE WHATSOEVER. Thankfuly a truck driver right out of a quentin tarantino movie stopped to help us. He said there was nothing he could really do but drive us to this service station, which was fine. so we went with him in his truck, all 5 of us. First of all we get in and theres 2 floors in this little cab thing, but both r beds. no matter, then we look over and see a lone condom, we were like hahaha, cause iwt as funny, so anyways we start drivign and hes mubling trucker slang about cocksuckers, and cunts and stuff, and then he pulls out a joint and starts smokign away, and then he passes it back to us, all 5 of us smoked with some truck hick truck driver and his 12 year old son from southern florida with a heart of gold. Then we get to the rest area and wer ethere for like 5 hours waitign for my dad to rescue us, he fixed teh car, god bless him, and drove it there, we had to get it home though. and it kept overheating, liek 3 times, finally we got it home. Then i took a nap. Then i decided it was movie time so me and my freinds kevin and kiri, went to asee mr. and mrs. smith. IT ROCKED first of all. Secondly we saw my old freind matt, who was there with this one girl i met a while ago who works at american eagle, and his HOT friend, i had a little crush on him when iwent and saw Laramie, he was awesome, hes very jared letoish, plus he has a nice ass, lol. anyhows now its bed time, im gonna go to sleep. im ired, long boring day. if anyone wants to o to Dorney park anytime soon. i'll so go if i don't havta drive.lol. Lata. |
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